We just finished running a Saint Patrick’s Day 5K and were walking back to the car from the finish line. Was it because we had on the green shamrock themed shirts the race provided? Was it because there was a parade scheduled shortly after the race? Did she think we were a parade of people? There were 4 of us together with maybe some others scattered in the area.

It’s a weird thing to shout from a car window. Also, if you’re going to take the time to forcefully declare a historical belief, why not leave your window down for a bit to hear the response of the debate. I’m not as quick on my toes as I wish I could be but I did yell back “god isn’t real!”.

This was three days ago and I’m still thinking about. This woman who yelled “Saint Patrick was Italian!” was certainly not Italian. Her accent was some form of thick Marylander, the distorted vowels and attitude made us think she’s likely from Dundalk, although really could be Essex or even Pasadena, definitely not from Italy, probably never been there.

Americans are goofballs with heritage. I was once waiting for a train in Boston when a townie came up to me and told me “I don’t like you Irish fucks”. I had been out drinking and it was definitely more morning than evening, and I was nice enough to respond “that’s fine, you don’t have to”. This tiny man then went on to explain to me that he’s Italian and I’m Irish and in Boston, they’re not supposed to get along. This man, regardless of who his ancestors were, was not Italian, I’m not Irish.

If I were to go to Ireland, would it make sense to say I’m Irish? How Irish even are the people there? I mean, they’re certainly Irish in the literal, present tense, but do they have this long standing connection to Ireland? Or are they similar to Americans and claim heritage to where they came from prior to where they actually have lived their whole lives? I’m fairly certain they’re not descended from druids or Neanderthals or whoever was settled in Ireland prior to their family. How many generations is it before you claim from where you’re from and not from where your grandparents or great grandparents or distant ancestors were from?

There is an ignorance to the whole thing which mirrors racist tropes. People say “of course I’m this way, I’m German” to describe why they would be loud and spill beer all over the replica beer garden. You’re Irish, you get it… Actually, my ancestors were also from France, so maybe I don’t get it.

The distance between France and Ireland is like that of Massachusetts and Pennsylvania, it doesn’t strike me as the type of geographical isolation or stretch of time needed for significant genetic drift, let alone evolution. Maybe natural selection moved faster before the automobile was invented.

At any rate, why did this lady scream such a thing? Doesn’t matter who Saint Patrick was, we’re running as a reminder to not stay so fat, while meeting up with friends, and justify the extreme cost of the race by acknowledging the charities listed on the back of the T-shirt.

If Patrick is celebrated for missionary work, converting much of Ireland to Catholicism than I say “fuck him”. The Catholic Church is a global pedophile ring which only pursues expansion and power. If this lady believes she is Italian, and trying to make claim to such a villain, without ever having met the man, or acknowledging the awful crime that is the Catholic Church, or never having set foot on Ireland or Italy, then “fuck her too”.

To the rest of you, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! 🍀