I’m currently dealing with a perceived decline in output. The perception of the slowdown is likely external and internal to myself. Am I being less productive or is my focus just split. I feel lazy, regardless, and when you aren’t moving, the best thing to do is get up and move.

I bought two cameras recently. I have no idea what is driving it. I bought an expensive compact camera with mixed reviews, was immediately frustrated with it and bought an even worse camera with worse reviews. What I would like to do, is become good at photography, in spite of bad gear.

The obvious thing to do would be to by an old junk camera, so my plan is flawed from the start and I know it. I already own some professional photography equipment but have historically used it for video. It can and has shot high quality photos for me in the past.

Where the gap is, I’ve mostly used cameras for videography or cinematography. The goal there is to use lighting and cameras to create a visual representation of a story you want to tell. Where I think the gap in my photography exists, is that I don’t know how to capture a story that simply already exists in the world.

Even with documentary work, with video, you’re creating a narrative either before or after you shoot. You can shoot years of footage if you need to, and then you construct a story from those parts. With photography, you get a single snapshot, or if building a larger body of work, a gallery or two. Either way, the information is a snapshot.

I was walking through a street photography exhibit recently at a local art museum this past week. It was film based photography, it was good and received praise from the staff and other visitors. I didn’t understand it. There were a few shots that I could wrap my head around, but overall it was too abstract for my simple mind. There was poetry in those shots but it was not in my native language. I couldn’t grasp it.

So I’m aware of this deficit. What I want to do, is capture meaning, where the quality is low, the composition is weak, the focus is off, and still have an audience that understands why the photo was taken, and appreciates what my eyes and hands have captured, as poetry, or at the very least, as art.

I have “social media” but it is all locked down. Private accounts, restrictive access, even to family and friends, but especially coworkers and clients. I don’t want to reveal who I am to all people. There is nothing I produce or share that I am embarrassed by but this world is filled with judgmental people who can cost you things. I am jealous of all people who ignore that cost and freely share with the world, but I’m not one of you.

Instead, I’ve created a more anonymous Instagram account. So that I can put something out into the world for observation and criticism, but without tying it to my professional existence. Such is life.

@SplinteredGhost on IG